What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
