I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
