god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
