who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
