i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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