I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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