Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
