On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
