The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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