I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
