Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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