how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
