I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
