Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize