last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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