i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
