well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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