I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
