Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
