I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
