Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
tell me about the eggs
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
