I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
