11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
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