Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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