Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
