I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
