We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
she woke up with a sticky ear
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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