I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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