I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize