her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
