I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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