I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
