When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Everything about him screamed your future.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
