i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
