dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
