so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
