remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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