Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize