Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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