You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
