That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
