so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
