I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
