I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
