Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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