Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
