i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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