someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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