It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
