watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
